Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
