If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
