and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize