She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
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apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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