Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well