she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
