bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I wish there were birth control emojis
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
