I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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