There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
