We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
