I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
