If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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