Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
