My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
