farters have to be the big spoon...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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