Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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