They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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