If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
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Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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