I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
