The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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