You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
this is an emotional support booty call
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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