there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
