I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
