My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
