you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
