they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
