We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
