I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
