She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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