I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
