I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
