mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
