It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
They have beer where we have blood.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
