She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
