WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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