i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You are the jesus of drinking
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
