Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
