I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
