my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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