I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
