we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
