Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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