Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
