you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
