I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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