Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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