Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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