Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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