look no pants
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
