i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
