Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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