i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
