You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
