In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
