i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
it's like heaven, but drunker
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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