I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Also, beer. Big fan.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
