I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
