I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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