i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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