I just pynch a tree in the face
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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